You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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