how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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