When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
