I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
