His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
