Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Randomize
