He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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