I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
