I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize