Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
