Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
