first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
