Little spoons don't ask big questions
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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