I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
