Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
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