yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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