Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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