Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
COCAINE IS GR8
Randomize
