Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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