if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
