last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
