My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
