I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
