our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
