Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
