I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize