Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
