I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
