The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
