Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
