Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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