Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
