He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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