I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
