bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
