went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
