He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
