shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
