I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
