3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
