i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
