What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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