guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
