Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
