Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
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