Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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