Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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