Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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