Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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