Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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