I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
