Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
