i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Randomize
