He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
