I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
