i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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