Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Randomize
