I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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